I'm a fuck-up. Girls don't like me. Why don't they like me? I have no idea. Clearly, I haven't got the slightest on how to flirt and seduce, and that's not even in my capacity. Probably because of the way my mind works. But the girls who are nice enough to intact with me, they grow cold and disappear pretty soon. That has to mean I'm a creep and that nobody likes me, but what's the worst is that I can't even fathom what I'm doing wrong. To boot, even if I did, I could just learn to fake the behavior, but when the push would come to shove, I would get unveiled, by myself. Because I'm not a man. Just some shit that's not even human, that doesn't belong anywhere. I'm not a man. Just a miserable existence full of pain, lost between manic and depression days. I can't tell which one is the reality anymore, for a long time now. This is the end of the line, the bottom of the well.

How could love ever save the world? My world. With demons bigger than the sky.

No fixing, just tearing everything down with a hope of being reborn. What a concept. Hope. Keeping me alive.

Hey here's something to think about - I'm a fuck up! A failure of a human! Haven't had a girlfriend in five and a half years! Not the slightest on how I would go about getting one. Is that the issue at hand? No. It cold could be the cause, or it could be the result of the fact that I'm not normal. I am very abnormal. And I've missed out. It's too late. I'm fucked up for life. Maybe I'll become a pedofile now. Isn't that how it works? At the age of twenty five (almost), there is no more dating and learning related lessons. To top that off, I've never had a job. I couldn't even get a girlfriend, because nobody wants abnormal nobodies. Nobody that I would accept love from. Call it pride or whatnot, but I will probably not settle until after the day I die. Because I'm fucked up in the head as well. I can't be normal. So that - a person who didn't manage to get a job yet is clearly human trash.

So why am I still alive? I don't know. I don't know. There is no point, no journey, I will never be happy (of this I'm sure). Trying is too hard. I don't know how other people do it, but I can't operate in the same fashion. I just can't. There is nothing I can do anyway. I did not embed myself with useful skills, I just idled my years away. I saw no reason. Now I need it but I still see no reason. For what? For money? So that I could live my unhappy life for a little longer? I am so unhappy that in every happy moment I'm seeing the dark future. While I'm smiling or laughing, I am preparing myself to slump back down into apathy and melancholy once my mind leaves the happy fiction. Because there is no happiness for me. I'm destroyed far beyond repair. All I can do is wait for this all to end. Such a painful existence.

Why should I get a job? Why should I live a life? There is nothing I want to do and there is nothing I want to have, so why? Why do I need to live? Because I don't want to die. There is no reason to keep on living, there never was, and I've known it since ahildhood, but sometimes this bothers me much more than other times. The only reason to keep going is because I don't want to die. I don't want to live, but, more than that, I don't want to die. I'm too weak-willed to kill myself unless it's with drugs. That, and my  basic physiological needs. I need to eat to live. Everything else is irrelevant. But how do I live if I'm scared of life, if it's too complicated for me? I don't live. I exist. I don't need to live a life. I just need to exist. Only existing is fine. That's all all of us really want. To exist. That's very self-centered and even bigoted. No purpose. We need to get busy or our sanity slowly starts corroding away. Maybe that's why we will stop progressing as species? Because we have evolved to the point where we've developed too much conscious, where thinking destroys us? Why should I not die? There is nothing I look forward to. There is nothing I'm going to do with my life. I'm a nobody that is not like the rest. I  make everyone believe I'm just like them, but I'm just a ghost. I've departed. I can't ask a girl on a date, because I'm a nobody. I can't have friends, because I don't have a life. Do I want to be a somebody? Do I want to have a shiny life? I don't. Do I want to take medicine to forget what sort of creature I've morped into? I don't. No one can help me and I don't want to fake gratitude for their pity. I don't care about myself. There was never anything good about me. So there is nothing I lost. I was never meant to add to the global value of humanity either way. Just to leech, I guess. I exist in a different dimension, so I have nothing in common with the people of this world. I can't live in your world. Please leave me alone until my existence ceases. I don't want to be happy. That doesn't interest me.

I was thinking about how to be cheerful like Vlad. Optimism and critical thinking don't go hand in hand, do they? Because critical thinking is about looking for faults that everybody's trying to avoid seeing. Negative faults in positive things and positive faults in negative things. Optimism is about looking the other way. Not that that's a bad idea. Nevertheless, seing the best in everything is not the same as seeing everything in everything.

"statistically, rich people are more likely to own mid grade gadgets and toys, american made second hand cars, and other cost saving "smart choice" products that get the job done just as well but don't waste all their money (which the book argues is a life long pervasive attitude that actually leads to them being rich)

A cnn article recently said that iq was linked to buying cheaper store brands, where low iq folk bought name brand and high iq, college grad and doctors and lawyers were most likely to by generic medicines and store brands."
— Anon

"You already know what needs to be done. You don't need a doctor. You don't have a disability. You need a reality check. This world is unkind to those with little to no money, one job on the resume, and no college education. Stop looking for advice, dctors to solve your problems, and relying on overworked people to help you. The very thing that you need to do, the very thing you are avoiding is exactly what you need to be doing right now and you know exactly what it is."
— Anon on 4chan

I feel like such an outcast. I feel that way. Am I one? I'll never know. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I had something to belong to. To think and feel the way others do. I wish I wasn't weird, I wish girls liked me. But I am so out of touch with the required behavioral patterns. I wouldn't know how to act the part. I wish I was a simple man, but I can't even sort out my own life. My head is such a mess. I just can't see the world as others. I'm useless, without function, without goals. I wish I had goals. But I don't care for goals. I don't care for anything. I have no strong feelings about anything. I know, that there is nothing I really need, apart from surviving. So I'm not convinced, not sold on things I want from time to time.

The plane ticket to my death was only £25. I was in no rush to live my life. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you should learn from my demise. Nobody thinks about dying, yet death is right around every corner. I have had so much love to give away. So many people to make happy. And myself too. I was not there yet, even when happiness is a state of mind. It's a shame. I was just starting to figure out all the answers. And I have not known women. How regretful... Maybe I would have changed the world. That's what I wanted.
It's odd. At the age of 24 I was just taking my first steps. Would it have ever changed for me? There are always places for taking first steps. And I'd rather know a little of everything.

Nepasitikėjimas savimi ir perdėtas savikritiškumas yra mąstančių žmonių liga. Kuo mažiau galvosi apie savo trūkumus, tuo mažiau būsi paralyžuotas.


"Man irgi atrodo, kad viena is tavo stiprybiu yra kitoks mastymas ir kritiskas poziuris i dalykus :) Mano pavyzdziai buvo ne patys geriausi. Univeras nera tas faktorius, kuris butinai pades susirasti darba, o svarbiausiu dalyku irgi ismoksi tik pradejes dirbti.

Man labai liudna, kad save vertini prastai. Tikiu, kad su tokia galva ir netradiciniu poziuriu atsidurtum, kur reikia."
— Elina


How is it possible to think that I'm the best thing to walk this earth, but at the very same time to believe that I'm a useless piece of shit?


"You're being too rough on yourself. When was the last time you praised yourself for anything? You are very bright in the head and you have a very unique way of thinking! This alone can take you wherever you want!"
— Diana

Answer by Suzanne Sadedin to What is the evolutionary or biological purpose of having periods? http://www.quora.com/Menstruation/What-is-the-evolutionary-or-biological-purpose-of-having-periods/answer/Suzanne-Sadedin?srid=3etd&share=1

I have had only one girlfriend. For around two years. And that ended five years ago now. At first I really wanted another one, then, eventually, I would just sometimes long for one, and I would be really sad about not having one, but at all times I knew that I have to learn to be perfectly fine without another person in my life. Now, it feels like I have reached that and I can't believe it, because I doubted it being truly possible.
Not that this is the way to go, just my story.

And the five years wasn't by choice. I have very high standards for women, while at the same time women don't find me a piece of art. Because I'm a weirdo. I've collected a folder of advice that I liked regarding women, I'll send it to you once I'm on my laptop that's in Glasgow. But the thing is, that advice I could not just act on. I had to slowly change my views and, as a result, the way I act in accordance to whatever ideas I chose to believe in. But its not even about that,  I'm just wandering off.
It's about the way it is now. At the age of 24 I finally feel that I'm maturing. Only now. With that comes calm confidence. And, as said before, I am fine without the perspective of having a girlfriend now. There are other things that I want to put first now. For example, I'd rather get a fulfilling career rolling than fixate on looking for a girl. Baselessly, I believe that they will come once the rest of my life is in order. And you know the confidence and needlessness I mentioned earlier? Put those two together, add the little trick where you try to find the flaws in a girl to get her off the imaginary pedestal in your head, and you become a real charmer. Besides, I am the one belonging on the pedestal :) Right now I have meetings with several new friends and I don't even want to call that 'dates' with 'girls', because I am going there not looking for that. I'm just hoping to enjoy MY time in a company of someone attractive and, hopefully, interesting. I met up with one of the friends today and it felt good to not have any intentions. I could really relax and have fun. She is indeed top girlfriend material, but I really didn't let that sway me one bit. I was just having fun listening to a beautiful and very smart person talk to me about things. If we ever happen to date each other, cool. But she's from a different city to start with, and I have no heartache with not dating her (I can't speak about the upcoming meetings). The way I see it, women should be attracted to how I am now. I display no intentions, so they can relax and get curious.
However. There's a next step in meeting women. You mustn't drag things on. If you want to have a woman as your girlfriend, you kind of have to be straightforward about it. You have to make it clear that you want to date her, not to be her friend. And you have to act that way. So if you're just a super nice guy around women, they don't get the message at all.

Gender roles are very much alive.

Today, with the help from my mother and my grandma, I have figured women out a bit :) They want to be emancipated and in control of their own decisions. But sometimes they get stuck for some reasons. They don't know what they want anymore and some things seem like they're a big deal. Instead of harassing them to decide what they want and make sense to us men of it, we need to take care care of them. By taking over and getting done what needs to be done, so they can just stop stressing over it and move on.
And who knows, maybe they were expecting that of you all along. It's just that, like little girls, they cannot give it straight. Point is, don't get frustrated. Know when to take over, solve it for them and kiss them on the forehead.

Use with caution.

Buitis, mano drauge, yra baisus dalykas.

Buities aš bijau lygiai tiek pat, kiek ir mirties. Buitinio gyvenimo. Kai jo apraiška man ant peties padeda leteną, aš sugniūžtu, prarandu skaidrų protą ir pradedu dusti. Baimė mane paralyžiuoja. Aš matau, kad pasaulis yra vien tik pilka buitis, kad žmonės joje jaučiasi kaip žuvys kūdroje. Kad aš gyvenu savo vaizduotės pasaulyje, o jis skiriasi tuo buitiškojo taip nepalyginamai, kad be savo fantastinės realybės aš neištverčiau. Ir aš nežinau, kur bėgti. Glamūrinis pasaulis yra netikra užuojauta sumasintiems blizgesio. Paguoda, adresuota pačiam sau. Mados, stilius, grožis, skaisti oda, kava, švarkai, akiniai, inovatyvios idėjos ir begalinė jaunystė. Tai nesibaigia, bet vieną diena tu - prasuktas ir išspjautas. Tu vienas miegamajame mikrorajone.

Vienintelis prieglobstis yra protas. Visą laiką augantys išsilavinimas, išmintingumas, nušviestumas ir smalsumas. Bet vis tiek norisi priklausyti, būti dalimi. Jei negali dalintis, nors ir viskas ir nėra veltui, man taip atrodo. Gali daryti dėl savęs, bet, kuo daugiau proto, tuo daugiau abejonių. O abejojantis protas savęs negiria, nesididžiuoja ir nepalaiko.

Jei aš vieną dieną nepateksiu į nepakartojamai protingų žmonių klubą, nors ir pačiu kvailiausiu... Būsiu pakankamai protingas nejausti kartelio. Tik vienišas. Viduje vienišas.



Ir pinigai. Turtas padės išvengti baisios buities, per kurią žengiu ir šią sekundę, kaip prašalaitis. Vadinasi, darbas. O ką daryti, kad darbas nebūtų buitiškas? Būti ypatingai protingu. Aišku, nuo ko pradėti, bet ar aišku, kaip tai padaryti?

Bet ne iš baimės reikia stengtis - ir ne dėl laimės. Nes taip nieko nebus. Ir tavęs irgi nebus. Bus tik baisi baisi buitis.

The first meeting determines what relationship I will have with a man in the future. I am not certain of this, but it seems that way. I am unsure about whether it applies to women as well. But the way I get off with someone just seems to stick. Will I be serious? Will I taunt you? Will I flirt with you? Will I be nonsensical? Depends on what I decided to stick with when I met you. And from then on you will trigger that behavior in me.

At the age of 23, I gave up.

I have problems. I think I have problems. Some days i feel like the king of the world and some days I feel like a worthless trash that takes up space. And at both phases I am absolutely convinced of my state. The reasonings are perfectly logical. Sometimes I am better than everyone else. I have better traits, common sense, looks, attitude, ideas, skills than anyone else. I am of the best breed. The other times I am useless. Never amounted to much, never will. Nobody will take me, I was a failure since the start, barely scraping. I don't have what it takes to exist.

I don't know if everyone else experiences this. I can't read minds. And I don't talk about this. It is very hard to convey this matter verbally for me. It comes out simplified. And it appears that there is no real answer or problem. Yet it persists.

I thought I was better at expressing myself in writing. Rather, I think I may struggle to express myself when speaking. I wonder if anyone can see it. I can't articulate and what sentences make sense to me, they don't make the same sense to others.

But it's no different with writing. I can't convey what I mean to you. You will read it with your own lips and intonation, not mine. Is this the case with everyone? Do you try to imagine in what manner I would speak it out? So much ambiguity. You have to really try.

Lastly, wants. They are important, everybody has wants and has to have them too. I had big wants. I think. Lots of ambition. Now, there's nothing I want anymore. I don't have what to look forward to. Some things, if they happened 'it would be nice', but I'm not dying for anything anymore. It is so very important to have wants. I think. I don't really want anything anymore. I'm OK staying at home for months. I don't want to cook anymore - and I used to love to cook. I don't want to eat. I get hungry, but I'd rather there was no need to eat. I don't want to go to sleep either. There is nothing to look forward to. I don't want to have anything to look forward to. This comes together with the belief that I'm not good for anything and would not reach my goals. I am pretty useless to be honest.

Something in my head doesn't work and I don't know why. Is it that I am just lazy and need a kick in the butt? Is it that simple? I tried already. I wasn't good. People don't struggle with this. They get over it and get on. Why don't I? Tell me.

At the age of 23, I gave up.