I'm a fuck-up. Girls don't like me. Why don't they like me? I have no idea. Clearly, I haven't got the slightest on how to flirt and seduce, and that's not even in my capacity. Probably because of the way my mind works. But the girls who are nice enough to intact with me, they grow cold and disappear pretty soon. That has to mean I'm a creep and that nobody likes me, but what's the worst is that I can't even fathom what I'm doing wrong. To boot, even if I did, I could just learn to fake the behavior, but when the push would come to shove, I would get unveiled, by myself. Because I'm not a man. Just some shit that's not even human, that doesn't belong anywhere. I'm not a man. Just a miserable existence full of pain, lost between manic and depression days. I can't tell which one is the reality anymore, for a long time now. This is the end of the line, the bottom of the well.

How could love ever save the world? My world. With demons bigger than the sky.

No fixing, just tearing everything down with a hope of being reborn. What a concept. Hope. Keeping me alive.

Hey here's something to think about - I'm a fuck up! A failure of a human! Haven't had a girlfriend in five and a half years! Not the slightest on how I would go about getting one. Is that the issue at hand? No. It cold could be the cause, or it could be the result of the fact that I'm not normal. I am very abnormal. And I've missed out. It's too late. I'm fucked up for life. Maybe I'll become a pedofile now. Isn't that how it works? At the age of twenty five (almost), there is no more dating and learning related lessons. To top that off, I've never had a job. I couldn't even get a girlfriend, because nobody wants abnormal nobodies. Nobody that I would accept love from. Call it pride or whatnot, but I will probably not settle until after the day I die. Because I'm fucked up in the head as well. I can't be normal. So that - a person who didn't manage to get a job yet is clearly human trash.

So why am I still alive? I don't know. I don't know. There is no point, no journey, I will never be happy (of this I'm sure). Trying is too hard. I don't know how other people do it, but I can't operate in the same fashion. I just can't. There is nothing I can do anyway. I did not embed myself with useful skills, I just idled my years away. I saw no reason. Now I need it but I still see no reason. For what? For money? So that I could live my unhappy life for a little longer? I am so unhappy that in every happy moment I'm seeing the dark future. While I'm smiling or laughing, I am preparing myself to slump back down into apathy and melancholy once my mind leaves the happy fiction. Because there is no happiness for me. I'm destroyed far beyond repair. All I can do is wait for this all to end. Such a painful existence.

Why should I get a job? Why should I live a life? There is nothing I want to do and there is nothing I want to have, so why? Why do I need to live? Because I don't want to die. There is no reason to keep on living, there never was, and I've known it since ahildhood, but sometimes this bothers me much more than other times. The only reason to keep going is because I don't want to die. I don't want to live, but, more than that, I don't want to die. I'm too weak-willed to kill myself unless it's with drugs. That, and my  basic physiological needs. I need to eat to live. Everything else is irrelevant. But how do I live if I'm scared of life, if it's too complicated for me? I don't live. I exist. I don't need to live a life. I just need to exist. Only existing is fine. That's all all of us really want. To exist. That's very self-centered and even bigoted. No purpose. We need to get busy or our sanity slowly starts corroding away. Maybe that's why we will stop progressing as species? Because we have evolved to the point where we've developed too much conscious, where thinking destroys us? Why should I not die? There is nothing I look forward to. There is nothing I'm going to do with my life. I'm a nobody that is not like the rest. I  make everyone believe I'm just like them, but I'm just a ghost. I've departed. I can't ask a girl on a date, because I'm a nobody. I can't have friends, because I don't have a life. Do I want to be a somebody? Do I want to have a shiny life? I don't. Do I want to take medicine to forget what sort of creature I've morped into? I don't. No one can help me and I don't want to fake gratitude for their pity. I don't care about myself. There was never anything good about me. So there is nothing I lost. I was never meant to add to the global value of humanity either way. Just to leech, I guess. I exist in a different dimension, so I have nothing in common with the people of this world. I can't live in your world. Please leave me alone until my existence ceases. I don't want to be happy. That doesn't interest me.

I was thinking about how to be cheerful like Vlad. Optimism and critical thinking don't go hand in hand, do they? Because critical thinking is about looking for faults that everybody's trying to avoid seeing. Negative faults in positive things and positive faults in negative things. Optimism is about looking the other way. Not that that's a bad idea. Nevertheless, seing the best in everything is not the same as seeing everything in everything.

"statistically, rich people are more likely to own mid grade gadgets and toys, american made second hand cars, and other cost saving "smart choice" products that get the job done just as well but don't waste all their money (which the book argues is a life long pervasive attitude that actually leads to them being rich)

A cnn article recently said that iq was linked to buying cheaper store brands, where low iq folk bought name brand and high iq, college grad and doctors and lawyers were most likely to by generic medicines and store brands."
— Anon

"You already know what needs to be done. You don't need a doctor. You don't have a disability. You need a reality check. This world is unkind to those with little to no money, one job on the resume, and no college education. Stop looking for advice, dctors to solve your problems, and relying on overworked people to help you. The very thing that you need to do, the very thing you are avoiding is exactly what you need to be doing right now and you know exactly what it is."
— Anon on 4chan

I feel like such an outcast. I feel that way. Am I one? I'll never know. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I had something to belong to. To think and feel the way others do. I wish I wasn't weird, I wish girls liked me. But I am so out of touch with the required behavioral patterns. I wouldn't know how to act the part. I wish I was a simple man, but I can't even sort out my own life. My head is such a mess. I just can't see the world as others. I'm useless, without function, without goals. I wish I had goals. But I don't care for goals. I don't care for anything. I have no strong feelings about anything. I know, that there is nothing I really need, apart from surviving. So I'm not convinced, not sold on things I want from time to time.