I wish I had somebody to love. Truly love, like there was nothing else that mattered in the world, like my very being depended on it!

First love. It's so innocent. It used to be. That, and the fact that I'm older now. Women my age have their mental innocence taken away by experiences. Could I ever find someone to share the love I dream of? Not in this day and age.

My heart may still be pure, but my mind is tainted with the demons of this world. I stopped trusting, I stopped believing, I stopped waiting.

I wish I had somebody to love. Truly love, like there was nothing else that mattered in the world, like my very being depended on it. But love like that does not exist…

I see but faults and shortcomings everywhere I look.

This is what it means to be the average grownup.

I am a very strict man. The concept of forgiving is alien to me. I will shoot you down once I get a chance. Oh, an I am an angry man too. I don't get annoyed. I get properly angry. And if I'd let me have my way, I'd be shouting and violently beating people up every other day. Too bad I cannot. I wish it were that simple.

The more I live the more it seems to me that the world is rotten. I can think of no place in the world that I would say is great to live in. And the people. I've grown to think that they are all idiots. A select few are above. I am stupid, I know nothing and generally am pretty worthless. Realistically. Shit personality too, but I enjoy it. And when someone underperforms compared to me, this enrages me. How can you be more useless than me?? What kind of a retard are you? And then I start acting like I know it all - because others are even less than myself. How can I respect someone like that?

And everyone's delusional and submerged in their small lives. There's much greater stuff and it's so grim and here you are going to a theater play in London. Not famine or environmentalist stuff, I'm not a charity. Life is vast and grim, the world is. And there is nothing to it. Most everything we do is mundane.

But we push forward with no regard.

You'd think that you're alone in this. But were all together in this solitude. Right next to each other.

I have no one else to talk to about things like this. Yesterday a girl passed me. I looked at her and she looked at me. She had an unseen look in her eyes. That of uncorrupted mind, inquisitiveness and calm wildness of the nature. It made me feel electrified. It made it hard to maintain eye contact. Her face had the purest expression I could ever hope for. In that, she appeared to me like a someone so rare in existence, that the image of her could never be born in my imagination, and yet her features made her familiar to myself.

It's perplexing how far human mind can take things. It's a good thing I'm able to convey my emotion.

Sometimes a sense of clarity and realism kicks in. And then I know that I'm barely scraping, that I don't have a likable or even good personality, that I'm emotionally crippled and that I have close to no chances of creating the family I want.
It's best to ignore thoughts like this. They are not pessimistic, they feel very grounded. I ignore it even when I know it to be true. It's best to remain delusional. One day my expectations might coincide with reality and then I will be able to wrongfully attribute it to triumph of the will.

This is the first time I took beta-blockers. Anxiety removers. Pills. Life seems good now, and it does not feel like a distorted reality. That's the way it should be. I am calm and happy. In fact, when the drugs started kicking in, I started laughing. Now my heart feels weird, it aches as if I've been really stressing about something. Ant I'm a bit high. But that's a clear high.

Anyways, I developed a flawed way of dealing with stress. It doesn't do much good in the way that the present me would see it. But that's alright, because I'm on medication :)

I've figured it out. The reason I still function in the society. I've learned to be an actor. We're all too delicate to be ourselves. I've learned different personalities, and they are growing more intricate with time, because I am perfecting them. I am not perfecting myself. I am perfecting my personalities. The responses triggered by the environment. In the hopes that one day I would assimilate myself with one of them and forget about not being myself. That's precisely what I'm pursuing - becoming the man I am pretending to be. Fake it till you make it.

:)

Ignorance is the way forward. Not thinking about the bad things in life. That's how we get by. It's a self-repairing mechanism that pushes out the negative things. My assumption is that everyone of us is traumatized. But we get by.
I gave it a little thought, I dug to find out why am I a mess; boy did it bring me down. Feels like good old depression. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to lay on the floor. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to exist. It's the way forward.

Everything is ugly. Everything.

Practice

Practice makes… Everything. If you are looking for a meaning in this life, practice. Practice loving, practice cooking, practice interacting, practice reading books, practice working, practice making your body move precisely the way you intend it to and pay attention to everything. The worst you can do is to assume that you know.

Our purpose in this life is to get better. To reach further. And further. And for that, we have to be collective.

I don't think you should date a person that doesn't create a sense of family for you. I don't think it would last - if you're looking for that. It's indescribable to me how this sense of family is created. Magic, probably.

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw

I wish I would have been told this at the  start of my teenage years. "You are only what you make of yourself, so work hard to become someone wonderful.

I have been observing people. Remarkably, there are so many of them that are just like me. I'm not the only one facing the problems I do, living with the shortcomings that I have, looking the way I do. I am just like other individuals, great or puny, and I am united through the good and the bad, by a rule nobody seems to know anymore.

The song for going insane. I am insane. I am in love. I need this song in my ears. I need it. It's ecstasy.

This song… It's everything. It's the single most important thing at the moment. It's love. I feel love. I am sad and yet so happy. This is the song I want to make love to. This is how making love should sound like. It's pure and so emotional. I can't.

I bought it.