I have no one else to talk to about things like this. Yesterday a girl passed me. I looked at her and she looked at me. She had an unseen look in her eyes. That of uncorrupted mind, inquisitiveness and calm wildness of the nature. It made me feel electrified. It made it hard to maintain eye contact. Her face had the purest expression I could ever hope for. In that, she appeared to me like a someone so rare in existence, that the image of her could never be born in my imagination, and yet her features made her familiar to myself.

It's perplexing how far human mind can take things. It's a good thing I'm able to convey my emotion.

Sometimes a sense of clarity and realism kicks in. And then I know that I'm barely scraping, that I don't have a likable or even good personality, that I'm emotionally crippled and that I have close to no chances of creating the family I want.
It's best to ignore thoughts like this. They are not pessimistic, they feel very grounded. I ignore it even when I know it to be true. It's best to remain delusional. One day my expectations might coincide with reality and then I will be able to wrongfully attribute it to triumph of the will.