What We Are

I wish I could meet myself to see myself for myself. For what I really am. I can't seem to have any constant opinion on what kind of a person I am juxtaposed to people I respect for handling life well. Would I find myself a pretentious stuck-up constant downer or an average kid with low self-esteem, or would I admire myself for my wisdom? Could I see a bright future for myself or would I realise that I'm the person to only talk the talk? Would I come to see that it's meaningless to try to measure up to what I myself see as standard? I'm trapped in myself and prevented from clearly evaluating myself.

Or just easily? Self-awareness is achievable even if I'm clueless at this point (still). Meditation? Hours of pondering? LSD? I'm swinging a bat blindly, but he who has a goal will find a way.

This need to know where we stand. Why? Self-important, insecure, validation-thirsty humans? I bet others have ideas on where do certain things leave them standing; and they strive to become, say, CEOs (random example) only to be able to stick a self-written label on themselves that they are important, admirable and whatnot. They pose as such and this deception make others believe that CEOs are in fact like that, and this then is a cycle. Some people who are unsure about themselves seek power to define themselves instead of searching for themselves. And when they have the power they won't listen to anyone anymore, because they're proven to be worth their salt, even if only on a material level; and there's no going back because they have expended themselves during that journey in a false direction.

What is Love? Baby Don't Hurt Me. Don't Hurt Me. No More

I read in a book that only the first love is actually love. Everything that follows is not. To me it’s true. It was indeed a single biggest experience in my life. I’m glad I went head first into it. But that is it. It was nice while it lasted, but I’m not looking for more. I’m content. I’m older, wiser, have lower standards for happiness. I would not repeat that precisely because I know what I would get myself into, being of a configuration that I am. Either that or I’m scared, you would speculate. No, I wasn’t given the conditions to get damaged.

“It just happens to be the way that I’m made. I have to write things down to feel I fully comprehend them.”
— Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

This is my sole reason for using this blog.

Seskas ir jo gyvastis.

Pakliuvo rudasis seskas i kilpa, ir as net negaliu jo uzmusti - nes gaila atimti gyvybe tokiam graziam padareliui. Pasakytu kas nors taip mano tevo ar bet kuriais kitais ankstesniais laikais... As jau ir taip lopas, bet dar ir cia niekam tikes. O seskas desperatiskai stipriais nasrais drasko skiedras, soka, puola mane ir inirses bei issigandes klykia, ir man taip gaila zverelio. Visas nualintas, istroskes laizo viska, ant ko nusedusi ryto rasa ir akeles merkiasi - net nebeziuri i mane, issekes guli. Nors pailses, bet visvien nepasiduoda ir keliasi su naujom jegom ir vel soka i ora ir bando ikasti, su neitiketina jega ir narsa kovoja del savo buties, sitas dailus sutverimas.

I have a crush...

It's strange. That such intelligent (≠smart, ≠educated) man as me has had a crush for a year now - that's what's strange. It's curious and not in a good way. Is it only until I get what I want, then? Or is it that I have created an illusion of what she is? I wouldn't think so, I'm experienced enough not to do that. Hey, here's a thought: maybe I think that she is worthwhile my patience? Oh look, I've answered my question then - I think. But all the interactions show that she's worth the rave! But is it my prejudice again? Should I cut it off? I can't.
It's 'easy come - easy go' for me. But now? This is so messed up, as if loving a machine or a doll. I have never seen her in real life, you know? I have never spent an hour with her. And here I am - blindly attracted. 
What's up, me? 
I like other girls too, that means it's not love, right?
I guess I will have to meet her to disperse my illusion and go home. Or stick to her like glue. Or, knowing me... Uh... Scenario. I meet her. I like her, she's all the things I thought she is. 


- I wish I could see you again!
- I'm sorry, I can't because of genuine reasons.
...
- Come over tomorrow.
- I really have no possibility...
- I'll call you. At least that.
Back to square one.


Or she won't like me because I'm not the things she thought I was. I wonder if that's possible. I'm very legit.


Usually I arrive at something by writing. Have I arrived at something this time?

Perception's a Bitch

I learned a lesson today. I talked to a certain man some hour ago. Shouted at first, both of us. I told him I don't like him and I think he's an appalling buta-cchi for spending his life in his room eating pizza and playing video games, especially at his age. He told me of the things I had no clue he was doing, like hiking, camping and helping his father. Not the aspect I had in mind, no, but it got the point across well enough to get me smiling at how wrong I was. "Perception's a bitch", he added. I did not see him for what he was and I did not try to. I created my own picture of him, as we humans do with everything, as is natural and unconscious, but sometimes the negligently easy way. Yes, I'm not too worried about that, rather amused, really. So that's what's going on! So that's why others don't see me for what I see myself to be! I must also be wrong about others, I might even hold wrong pictures of my best friends! I am indeed misunderstood and so are the others! If, with a varying degree, this is truly a global rule, if everyone considers you only through their own filters... What am I saying?... My homeroom teacher has told us may times that: "Everyone measures others by his own level of perverseness."

Nine Things Successful People Do Differently

1    Be specific when setting goals – know exactly what you want to achieve and how you will achieve it

2    Decide in advance when will you take the actions aimed towards your goal. Even better, do it as soon as an opportunity arises

3    Check your progress and know exactly how far you have left to go

4    Be a realistic optimist – believing in your ability to succeed is enormously helpful, but don’t underestimate, how difficult it will be or you’ll end up ill-prepared

5    Focus on developing abilities and acquiring new skills rather than goals

6    Have grit – a willingness to commit to long-term goals and persist in the face of difficulty. Think Naruto

7    Build your willpower muscle by doing something you’d rather not do. Later, increase your workout

8    Willpower muscle is limited – don’t try too hard or you’ll run out of steam. Don’t make reaching a goal harder than it already is.

9    If you’re trying to change a habit, replace bad habits with good ones instead of focusing your thoughts on the bad ones.

 SAUCE

Alone vs. dependent

I still don't know what I am. I feel some potential, but the underachiever in me might just let it fade away. But what I figured I have to know is that I am supposed to be alone. Before I started school I pretty much played by myself and never had a problem with that. In fact, I was more independent than I am now. Throughout my school years I got used to bonding. Now I have some friends I am very loyal to. We don't communicate for most time but we're OK with that. Almost through my third year in university, I have now acquired only two persons I call friends. I have striven to reach the level I was at as a child.

Actually... This is false. It's all good that I have a piece of mind even when alone, but social connections are the key in my scope of life. I am too dumb to pursue any scientific goals, so I can't afford to get secluded. Business is contacts, internal company rapport is informal communication. There is no escaping. Just gotta make sure you're surrounded by the right kind of people. Relationships bring dependency and I trust people a little too much. "Deceive me and I will annihilate you :)"?

Contradicting your own beliefs. Good job, boy.  Well, as long as I keep that mug of mine thinking. Gotta learn to operate in an ambiguous environment. I like motorcycles :)))

February 14.

I really have no need for a better half.

I suffice and so does an increasing number of the Japanese: pow! eat this!

Marriage.

I was thinking... Once the gay marriage is legal, how long until marriage with anyone? Say, I love my best friend. We are both males, heterosexuals, but we want a family together. We adopt a child and provide him with home and family. Is there a problem with that? And then, to go even further, I, for instance, really love the Sun. More than any other thing in the world. Why couldn't I marry something I love?

Religion.

Suradau senas savo mintis apie religija. Geda kalbeti tokia tema, galo cia nebus, bet stai mano nuomone vis dar yra butent tokia - kad religija yra gerai, o krikscionybe yra zmogaus produktas.

The point in everything is what I make it to be, not what somebody tells it me it is.
So your church teaches you that God is in control of your destiny rather than yourself? Sorry for a silly example, but did God have a plan for murderers etc.? No, wait - it's rather they are lost lambs but they can choose to be led by God, right?
I wish God would correct 'the incorrect', but why hasn't it? How? To me it just adds up to the fact that religion is just an artificial thing you can take up. You can believe in anything and through your belief it will come true. It's a very interesting engine, but, in the sense of religion, it hasn't been used for good purposes in quite a while.
It's more of a habit for me, still calling out God's name from time to time. I believe God is a creation of man. It works the same way stories in the bible were created to teach, rather then just bullet-points a man might not get the technique, but he will believe something that has some 'meat around the bone'. Most of the people must know there is a higher power they can rely on. Is this about the magnitude of control and responsibility? Not just everyone can handle it. In my sense, we are Gods of this world, we are our own Gods capable of but able or willing to transform ourselves into whatever we choose to. "The Bible also says to say things as though they were" - exactly. I've managed to realise the system behind religion, to purify and to amplify and I am trying hard to enable myself to put it to my use, but the religion itself, to me, it is overly-manipulative, simplistic and yet swarmed with augmented information, making it suited for dimwits of the last ages.

•  •  •

Krikscionybe yra labai ir labai reikalinga (tikejimas, religija). Jeigu manot, kad ji neduoda nieko gero, atsigulkit ant nugaros ir kokia diena gerai gerai apie tai pagalvokit.
Kazkada ir pats galvojau, kad religija yra blogis. Taip, ji sukurta (labai protingu zmoniu). Religija padeda zmonijai. Jei nebutu buve dievobaimingumo, butu buvus betvarke. Taisykles zinojo visi. Ir bent pusei Lietuvos gyventoju jos vis dar padeda. Svarbiausia, zmogui nepakeliama suvokti, kad pasaulis neturi prasmes, po mirties nieko nera, tik biologija, kad zmogus atsakingas uz absoliuciai viska, kad nera nieko aukstesnio, priziurincio ji (cia atkrenta tikejimas i save, nes zmones visumoje nepasitiki savo jegomis). Dauguma zmoniu negali netiketi likimu, o siuo atveju, Dievu. O tikejimas Dievu yra pozityvus mastymas: "Jis zino, ka daro, stengiasi del manes, viskas tik i gera". O meldimosi instrumentas yra ko gero geriausia dalis. Pirmiausia del meditacijos, mantros kartojimo. Toliau stiprus kasvakarinis minciu sutelkimas i trokstamus ivykius/dalykus yra labai veiksnu.
O jusu paziuros yra siauros. Tikriausiai isivaizduojat esantys gudruoliai, draskotes, moksliskai neigiat akivaizdybe ir galvojat, kad ateizmas jau yra didzio intelekto pozymis. As sypsausi, kokie jus visi kvaili :)

Life is the ultimate game.

Life is the ultimate game. Thinking about it thrills me. Nobody knows the rules if there are any. Nobody knows they are in it. People participate without playing and they don't move anywhere or just let others roll the dice for them.  Funny. Like being dead before death. Those others leading, might not know all the rules but they actively participate, they play to win and they have the experience. They take risks. They never stop. They never give up. There is no finish line, there is being high above to overlook everything. Don't you want that? Do you want it bad? Will you say good-bye to procrastination and do things even when you don't need to do anything? Will you constantly learn? Will you find ways when there aren't any? Do what you are afraid to do? Can you do all this all alone, for yourself? Call me when you're ready, we'll be partners.