I remember vowing myself to avoid growing attached to someone. And I haven't even seen her in person! I am that weak (that demonstrates clearly that I would be unable to successfully cope with a drug addiction). Not that I was too passionate about keeping myself free from such earthly constraints - I stopped saying prayers some months ago. I gave in. It felt self-destructive (but I always had a tendency to be that way). It felt good to let go of controls and observe myself dive, water filling my ears, nose, closing my eyes and mouth, immersing me in dangerous and unstable dimness, both audial and visual. Sometimes I would emerge from this lake to breath in, at these moments I have a chance to turn back to the shore. I never do - what's that at the bottom tangled in weeds?
I will die from exhaustion. After my struggle I will have given up and made peace with my avoidable death. I will watch the surface of the water drift away from me. I will lay in the bed of weeds and watch the last bubbles of air float up. My eyes will turn to my skull. I am there.
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