For a moment, i grew dissatisfied with my life. The oblivion that i'm drowned in. Capitalising 'i' in "I" is rotten but so is me thinking this. i am dissatisfied with my life but everyone gets that sometimes, and is lulled back to convenience. i have big plans i have never even laid a stone to start. i'm all 'talk', 'think and forget'. Yet again i would question my purpose in life, knew i that there isn't much, just what i squeeze out, what we pitifully believe in so fiercely, we convince others of it. It's the truth. there is no truth in this world, not of that kind. Claws. Easy drift in suits and cocktail parties. It is different (for everyone) and beliefs are for lessening the burden. Everything can become a burden if you put your mind to it. The worst part is that i will forget all of this. This, what i call 'short-lived awakening', and what is more to it, is deceive. It is not real, but only a dream i trick myself into out of my clasp to life. "Yes, this is 'The Reality', you scratched the surface". i can't let go of believing in life, in my own value, no one is wildly enlightened enough to come into realisation that there is nothing under that 'reality of true things' no one is vile enough to see over. i will fade in to that 'sleep of life as we know it'. It's scary. To get attached to things, people, values, believes, Truths, my own moral code and what i will defend as 'correct'. It is scary, this survival mechanism required for developed (?) intelligence of ours. Scary because it's primitive, straightforward and yet so forceful and sophisticated. i'll explain: as we are developed enough to contemplate things such as the meaning of ourselves as individuals (self-centred, aren't we?), so to say we gain the ability to be exposed to a lot more stimuli, we cannot intake all of it and build up defensive barriers to reduce continuous stressful states. As the question might come subconsciously, it is denied at that very same subconscious level to keep us in our comfort zone. Most of the time it won't allow such contemplations to be started, even if voluntarily.

It's ugly how many times i have repeated myself in here. All it is, is DENIAL. Even me - i'm back into my life. My mind just backed up instead of wondering away. Because i'm of limited intelligence. i cant even force myself to think what i want me to.

Lake

I remember vowing myself to avoid growing attached to someone. And I haven't even seen her in person! I am that weak (that demonstrates clearly that I would be unable to successfully cope with a drug addiction). Not that I was too passionate about keeping myself free from such earthly constraints - I stopped saying prayers some months ago. I gave in. It felt self-destructive (but I always had a tendency to be that way). It felt good to let go of controls and observe myself dive, water filling my ears, nose, closing my eyes and mouth, immersing me in dangerous and unstable dimness, both audial and visual. Sometimes I would emerge from this lake to breath in, at these moments I have a chance to turn back to the shore. I never do - what's that at the bottom tangled in weeds?
I will die from exhaustion. After my struggle I will have given up and made peace with my avoidable death. I will watch the surface of the water drift away from me. I will lay in the bed of weeds and watch the last bubbles of air float up. My eyes will turn to my skull. I am there.