Friday, 24 January 2014
The first meeting determines what relationship I will have with a man in the future. I am not certain of this, but it seems that way. I am unsure about whether it applies to women as well. But the way I get off with someone just seems to stick. Will I be serious? Will I taunt you? Will I flirt with you? Will I be nonsensical? Depends on what I decided to stick with when I met you. And from then on you will trigger that behavior in me.
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
At the age of 23, I gave up.
I have problems. I think I have problems. Some days i feel like the king of the world and some days I feel like a worthless trash that takes up space. And at both phases I am absolutely convinced of my state. The reasonings are perfectly logical. Sometimes I am better than everyone else. I have better traits, common sense, looks, attitude, ideas, skills than anyone else. I am of the best breed. The other times I am useless. Never amounted to much, never will. Nobody will take me, I was a failure since the start, barely scraping. I don't have what it takes to exist.
I don't know if everyone else experiences this. I can't read minds. And I don't talk about this. It is very hard to convey this matter verbally for me. It comes out simplified. And it appears that there is no real answer or problem. Yet it persists.
I thought I was better at expressing myself in writing. Rather, I think I may struggle to express myself when speaking. I wonder if anyone can see it. I can't articulate and what sentences make sense to me, they don't make the same sense to others.
But it's no different with writing. I can't convey what I mean to you. You will read it with your own lips and intonation, not mine. Is this the case with everyone? Do you try to imagine in what manner I would speak it out? So much ambiguity. You have to really try.
Lastly, wants. They are important, everybody has wants and has to have them too. I had big wants. I think. Lots of ambition. Now, there's nothing I want anymore. I don't have what to look forward to. Some things, if they happened 'it would be nice', but I'm not dying for anything anymore. It is so very important to have wants. I think. I don't really want anything anymore. I'm OK staying at home for months. I don't want to cook anymore - and I used to love to cook. I don't want to eat. I get hungry, but I'd rather there was no need to eat. I don't want to go to sleep either. There is nothing to look forward to. I don't want to have anything to look forward to. This comes together with the belief that I'm not good for anything and would not reach my goals. I am pretty useless to be honest.
Something in my head doesn't work and I don't know why. Is it that I am just lazy and need a kick in the butt? Is it that simple? I tried already. I wasn't good. People don't struggle with this. They get over it and get on. Why don't I? Tell me.
At the age of 23, I gave up.
I don't know if everyone else experiences this. I can't read minds. And I don't talk about this. It is very hard to convey this matter verbally for me. It comes out simplified. And it appears that there is no real answer or problem. Yet it persists.
I thought I was better at expressing myself in writing. Rather, I think I may struggle to express myself when speaking. I wonder if anyone can see it. I can't articulate and what sentences make sense to me, they don't make the same sense to others.
But it's no different with writing. I can't convey what I mean to you. You will read it with your own lips and intonation, not mine. Is this the case with everyone? Do you try to imagine in what manner I would speak it out? So much ambiguity. You have to really try.
Lastly, wants. They are important, everybody has wants and has to have them too. I had big wants. I think. Lots of ambition. Now, there's nothing I want anymore. I don't have what to look forward to. Some things, if they happened 'it would be nice', but I'm not dying for anything anymore. It is so very important to have wants. I think. I don't really want anything anymore. I'm OK staying at home for months. I don't want to cook anymore - and I used to love to cook. I don't want to eat. I get hungry, but I'd rather there was no need to eat. I don't want to go to sleep either. There is nothing to look forward to. I don't want to have anything to look forward to. This comes together with the belief that I'm not good for anything and would not reach my goals. I am pretty useless to be honest.
Something in my head doesn't work and I don't know why. Is it that I am just lazy and need a kick in the butt? Is it that simple? I tried already. I wasn't good. People don't struggle with this. They get over it and get on. Why don't I? Tell me.
At the age of 23, I gave up.
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