This is the first time I took beta-blockers. Anxiety removers. Pills. Life seems good now, and it does not feel like a distorted reality. That's the way it should be. I am calm and happy. In fact, when the drugs started kicking in, I started laughing. Now my heart feels weird, it aches as if I've been really stressing about something. Ant I'm a bit high. But that's a clear high.

Anyways, I developed a flawed way of dealing with stress. It doesn't do much good in the way that the present me would see it. But that's alright, because I'm on medication :)

I've figured it out. The reason I still function in the society. I've learned to be an actor. We're all too delicate to be ourselves. I've learned different personalities, and they are growing more intricate with time, because I am perfecting them. I am not perfecting myself. I am perfecting my personalities. The responses triggered by the environment. In the hopes that one day I would assimilate myself with one of them and forget about not being myself. That's precisely what I'm pursuing - becoming the man I am pretending to be. Fake it till you make it.

:)

Ignorance is the way forward. Not thinking about the bad things in life. That's how we get by. It's a self-repairing mechanism that pushes out the negative things. My assumption is that everyone of us is traumatized. But we get by.
I gave it a little thought, I dug to find out why am I a mess; boy did it bring me down. Feels like good old depression. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to lay on the floor. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to exist. It's the way forward.

Everything is ugly. Everything.

Practice

Practice makes… Everything. If you are looking for a meaning in this life, practice. Practice loving, practice cooking, practice interacting, practice reading books, practice working, practice making your body move precisely the way you intend it to and pay attention to everything. The worst you can do is to assume that you know.

Our purpose in this life is to get better. To reach further. And further. And for that, we have to be collective.