What We Are

I wish I could meet myself to see myself for myself. For what I really am. I can't seem to have any constant opinion on what kind of a person I am juxtaposed to people I respect for handling life well. Would I find myself a pretentious stuck-up constant downer or an average kid with low self-esteem, or would I admire myself for my wisdom? Could I see a bright future for myself or would I realise that I'm the person to only talk the talk? Would I come to see that it's meaningless to try to measure up to what I myself see as standard? I'm trapped in myself and prevented from clearly evaluating myself.

Or just easily? Self-awareness is achievable even if I'm clueless at this point (still). Meditation? Hours of pondering? LSD? I'm swinging a bat blindly, but he who has a goal will find a way.

This need to know where we stand. Why? Self-important, insecure, validation-thirsty humans? I bet others have ideas on where do certain things leave them standing; and they strive to become, say, CEOs (random example) only to be able to stick a self-written label on themselves that they are important, admirable and whatnot. They pose as such and this deception make others believe that CEOs are in fact like that, and this then is a cycle. Some people who are unsure about themselves seek power to define themselves instead of searching for themselves. And when they have the power they won't listen to anyone anymore, because they're proven to be worth their salt, even if only on a material level; and there's no going back because they have expended themselves during that journey in a false direction.

What is Love? Baby Don't Hurt Me. Don't Hurt Me. No More

I read in a book that only the first love is actually love. Everything that follows is not. To me it’s true. It was indeed a single biggest experience in my life. I’m glad I went head first into it. But that is it. It was nice while it lasted, but I’m not looking for more. I’m content. I’m older, wiser, have lower standards for happiness. I would not repeat that precisely because I know what I would get myself into, being of a configuration that I am. Either that or I’m scared, you would speculate. No, I wasn’t given the conditions to get damaged.

“It just happens to be the way that I’m made. I have to write things down to feel I fully comprehend them.”
— Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

This is my sole reason for using this blog.

Seskas ir jo gyvastis.

Pakliuvo rudasis seskas i kilpa, ir as net negaliu jo uzmusti - nes gaila atimti gyvybe tokiam graziam padareliui. Pasakytu kas nors taip mano tevo ar bet kuriais kitais ankstesniais laikais... As jau ir taip lopas, bet dar ir cia niekam tikes. O seskas desperatiskai stipriais nasrais drasko skiedras, soka, puola mane ir inirses bei issigandes klykia, ir man taip gaila zverelio. Visas nualintas, istroskes laizo viska, ant ko nusedusi ryto rasa ir akeles merkiasi - net nebeziuri i mane, issekes guli. Nors pailses, bet visvien nepasiduoda ir keliasi su naujom jegom ir vel soka i ora ir bando ikasti, su neitiketina jega ir narsa kovoja del savo buties, sitas dailus sutverimas.

I have a crush...

It's strange. That such intelligent (≠smart, ≠educated) man as me has had a crush for a year now - that's what's strange. It's curious and not in a good way. Is it only until I get what I want, then? Or is it that I have created an illusion of what she is? I wouldn't think so, I'm experienced enough not to do that. Hey, here's a thought: maybe I think that she is worthwhile my patience? Oh look, I've answered my question then - I think. But all the interactions show that she's worth the rave! But is it my prejudice again? Should I cut it off? I can't.
It's 'easy come - easy go' for me. But now? This is so messed up, as if loving a machine or a doll. I have never seen her in real life, you know? I have never spent an hour with her. And here I am - blindly attracted. 
What's up, me? 
I like other girls too, that means it's not love, right?
I guess I will have to meet her to disperse my illusion and go home. Or stick to her like glue. Or, knowing me... Uh... Scenario. I meet her. I like her, she's all the things I thought she is. 


- I wish I could see you again!
- I'm sorry, I can't because of genuine reasons.
...
- Come over tomorrow.
- I really have no possibility...
- I'll call you. At least that.
Back to square one.


Or she won't like me because I'm not the things she thought I was. I wonder if that's possible. I'm very legit.


Usually I arrive at something by writing. Have I arrived at something this time?

Perception's a Bitch

I learned a lesson today. I talked to a certain man some hour ago. Shouted at first, both of us. I told him I don't like him and I think he's an appalling buta-cchi for spending his life in his room eating pizza and playing video games, especially at his age. He told me of the things I had no clue he was doing, like hiking, camping and helping his father. Not the aspect I had in mind, no, but it got the point across well enough to get me smiling at how wrong I was. "Perception's a bitch", he added. I did not see him for what he was and I did not try to. I created my own picture of him, as we humans do with everything, as is natural and unconscious, but sometimes the negligently easy way. Yes, I'm not too worried about that, rather amused, really. So that's what's going on! So that's why others don't see me for what I see myself to be! I must also be wrong about others, I might even hold wrong pictures of my best friends! I am indeed misunderstood and so are the others! If, with a varying degree, this is truly a global rule, if everyone considers you only through their own filters... What am I saying?... My homeroom teacher has told us may times that: "Everyone measures others by his own level of perverseness."

Nine Things Successful People Do Differently

1    Be specific when setting goals – know exactly what you want to achieve and how you will achieve it

2    Decide in advance when will you take the actions aimed towards your goal. Even better, do it as soon as an opportunity arises

3    Check your progress and know exactly how far you have left to go

4    Be a realistic optimist – believing in your ability to succeed is enormously helpful, but don’t underestimate, how difficult it will be or you’ll end up ill-prepared

5    Focus on developing abilities and acquiring new skills rather than goals

6    Have grit – a willingness to commit to long-term goals and persist in the face of difficulty. Think Naruto

7    Build your willpower muscle by doing something you’d rather not do. Later, increase your workout

8    Willpower muscle is limited – don’t try too hard or you’ll run out of steam. Don’t make reaching a goal harder than it already is.

9    If you’re trying to change a habit, replace bad habits with good ones instead of focusing your thoughts on the bad ones.

 SAUCE