This is the first time I took beta-blockers. Anxiety removers. Pills. Life seems good now, and it does not feel like a distorted reality. That's the way it should be. I am calm and happy. In fact, when the drugs started kicking in, I started laughing. Now my heart feels weird, it aches as if I've been really stressing about something. Ant I'm a bit high. But that's a clear high.

Anyways, I developed a flawed way of dealing with stress. It doesn't do much good in the way that the present me would see it. But that's alright, because I'm on medication :)

I've figured it out. The reason I still function in the society. I've learned to be an actor. We're all too delicate to be ourselves. I've learned different personalities, and they are growing more intricate with time, because I am perfecting them. I am not perfecting myself. I am perfecting my personalities. The responses triggered by the environment. In the hopes that one day I would assimilate myself with one of them and forget about not being myself. That's precisely what I'm pursuing - becoming the man I am pretending to be. Fake it till you make it.

:)

Ignorance is the way forward. Not thinking about the bad things in life. That's how we get by. It's a self-repairing mechanism that pushes out the negative things. My assumption is that everyone of us is traumatized. But we get by.
I gave it a little thought, I dug to find out why am I a mess; boy did it bring me down. Feels like good old depression. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to lay on the floor. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to exist. It's the way forward.

Everything is ugly. Everything.

Practice

Practice makes… Everything. If you are looking for a meaning in this life, practice. Practice loving, practice cooking, practice interacting, practice reading books, practice working, practice making your body move precisely the way you intend it to and pay attention to everything. The worst you can do is to assume that you know.

Our purpose in this life is to get better. To reach further. And further. And for that, we have to be collective.

I don't think you should date a person that doesn't create a sense of family for you. I don't think it would last - if you're looking for that. It's indescribable to me how this sense of family is created. Magic, probably.

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw

I wish I would have been told this at the  start of my teenage years. "You are only what you make of yourself, so work hard to become someone wonderful.

I have been observing people. Remarkably, there are so many of them that are just like me. I'm not the only one facing the problems I do, living with the shortcomings that I have, looking the way I do. I am just like other individuals, great or puny, and I am united through the good and the bad, by a rule nobody seems to know anymore.

The song for going insane. I am insane. I am in love. I need this song in my ears. I need it. It's ecstasy.

This song… It's everything. It's the single most important thing at the moment. It's love. I feel love. I am sad and yet so happy. This is the song I want to make love to. This is how making love should sound like. It's pure and so emotional. I can't.

I bought it.