“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw

I wish I would have been told this at the  start of my teenage years. "You are only what you make of yourself, so work hard to become someone wonderful.

I have been observing people. Remarkably, there are so many of them that are just like me. I'm not the only one facing the problems I do, living with the shortcomings that I have, looking the way I do. I am just like other individuals, great or puny, and I am united through the good and the bad, by a rule nobody seems to know anymore.

The song for going insane. I am insane. I am in love. I need this song in my ears. I need it. It's ecstasy.

This song… It's everything. It's the single most important thing at the moment. It's love. I feel love. I am sad and yet so happy. This is the song I want to make love to. This is how making love should sound like. It's pure and so emotional. I can't.

I bought it.

What We Are

I wish I could meet myself to see myself for myself. For what I really am. I can't seem to have any constant opinion on what kind of a person I am juxtaposed to people I respect for handling life well. Would I find myself a pretentious stuck-up constant downer or an average kid with low self-esteem, or would I admire myself for my wisdom? Could I see a bright future for myself or would I realise that I'm the person to only talk the talk? Would I come to see that it's meaningless to try to measure up to what I myself see as standard? I'm trapped in myself and prevented from clearly evaluating myself.

Or just easily? Self-awareness is achievable even if I'm clueless at this point (still). Meditation? Hours of pondering? LSD? I'm swinging a bat blindly, but he who has a goal will find a way.

This need to know where we stand. Why? Self-important, insecure, validation-thirsty humans? I bet others have ideas on where do certain things leave them standing; and they strive to become, say, CEOs (random example) only to be able to stick a self-written label on themselves that they are important, admirable and whatnot. They pose as such and this deception make others believe that CEOs are in fact like that, and this then is a cycle. Some people who are unsure about themselves seek power to define themselves instead of searching for themselves. And when they have the power they won't listen to anyone anymore, because they're proven to be worth their salt, even if only on a material level; and there's no going back because they have expended themselves during that journey in a false direction.

What is Love? Baby Don't Hurt Me. Don't Hurt Me. No More

I read in a book that only the first love is actually love. Everything that follows is not. To me it’s true. It was indeed a single biggest experience in my life. I’m glad I went head first into it. But that is it. It was nice while it lasted, but I’m not looking for more. I’m content. I’m older, wiser, have lower standards for happiness. I would not repeat that precisely because I know what I would get myself into, being of a configuration that I am. Either that or I’m scared, you would speculate. No, I wasn’t given the conditions to get damaged.

“It just happens to be the way that I’m made. I have to write things down to feel I fully comprehend them.”
— Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

This is my sole reason for using this blog.

Seskas ir jo gyvastis.

Pakliuvo rudasis seskas i kilpa, ir as net negaliu jo uzmusti - nes gaila atimti gyvybe tokiam graziam padareliui. Pasakytu kas nors taip mano tevo ar bet kuriais kitais ankstesniais laikais... As jau ir taip lopas, bet dar ir cia niekam tikes. O seskas desperatiskai stipriais nasrais drasko skiedras, soka, puola mane ir inirses bei issigandes klykia, ir man taip gaila zverelio. Visas nualintas, istroskes laizo viska, ant ko nusedusi ryto rasa ir akeles merkiasi - net nebeziuri i mane, issekes guli. Nors pailses, bet visvien nepasiduoda ir keliasi su naujom jegom ir vel soka i ora ir bando ikasti, su neitiketina jega ir narsa kovoja del savo buties, sitas dailus sutverimas.

I have a crush...

It's strange. That such intelligent (≠smart, ≠educated) man as me has had a crush for a year now - that's what's strange. It's curious and not in a good way. Is it only until I get what I want, then? Or is it that I have created an illusion of what she is? I wouldn't think so, I'm experienced enough not to do that. Hey, here's a thought: maybe I think that she is worthwhile my patience? Oh look, I've answered my question then - I think. But all the interactions show that she's worth the rave! But is it my prejudice again? Should I cut it off? I can't.
It's 'easy come - easy go' for me. But now? This is so messed up, as if loving a machine or a doll. I have never seen her in real life, you know? I have never spent an hour with her. And here I am - blindly attracted. 
What's up, me? 
I like other girls too, that means it's not love, right?
I guess I will have to meet her to disperse my illusion and go home. Or stick to her like glue. Or, knowing me... Uh... Scenario. I meet her. I like her, she's all the things I thought she is. 


- I wish I could see you again!
- I'm sorry, I can't because of genuine reasons.
...
- Come over tomorrow.
- I really have no possibility...
- I'll call you. At least that.
Back to square one.


Or she won't like me because I'm not the things she thought I was. I wonder if that's possible. I'm very legit.


Usually I arrive at something by writing. Have I arrived at something this time?