Life is the ultimate game.

Life is the ultimate game. Thinking about it thrills me. Nobody knows the rules if there are any. Nobody knows they are in it. People participate without playing and they don't move anywhere or just let others roll the dice for them.  Funny. Like being dead before death. Those others leading, might not know all the rules but they actively participate, they play to win and they have the experience. They take risks. They never stop. They never give up. There is no finish line, there is being high above to overlook everything. Don't you want that? Do you want it bad? Will you say good-bye to procrastination and do things even when you don't need to do anything? Will you constantly learn? Will you find ways when there aren't any? Do what you are afraid to do? Can you do all this all alone, for yourself? Call me when you're ready, we'll be partners.

A perfect girl for me

It's time I wrote about a woman I am... Wait. Not looking for - camping for (waiting :D ). Well it's not about this now :)

I had some time to contemplate this in my subconscious. I realized I want to write this some time ago. But this is the latest thing to come to me: what I need is a woman who brings out the best in me, continuously through the life. For that she has to be pretty darn smart. Emotionally intelligent, to be able to see through my thick shell. A woman who makes me want to be the best man, not even for her but for no apparent purpose. A woman who nudges me and proves to me that I have to get up when I don't want to do anything. A woman whose sheer existence makes me want to enjoy, no, celebrate life. Far-fetched, no? :)

LOOKS
Anyway, to me, looks come first. Not the only thing I care about, not the most important one, but  always first. I want someone beside me who I find really attractive. Whose face I can never look enough at. And curves; oh boy! :) 

To go into more detail, I noticed that I, as majority of men, am attracted to blondes. Long hair! Then, my guess is, I would probably prefer my lady to be as tall as me. Which is pretty tall. It's so uncomfortable to kiss someone a head shorter than you without putting on a step :D Not the reason, though. 

Then, I desire an athletic one. As me, or even more. It's not about common interests (although exercising is the way to go!) - it's about that body. And very much as well about the opposite of it: I don't care how skinny (or even curvy? I'm unsettled about writing this in) you are - if your muscles are degraded, there is little attractiveness for me. And when the opposite is true! Hubba Hubba! To add more, imagine two such bodies in bed! As opposed to anything that's not it. Feh. Oh, but I am also sexually attracted to petite women! Just don't see them as a partner. Silly me. 

What else is there? Big white eyes. Oh, I can go as far as eyelids. Double eyelids. Period. I don't dig anything else really. Oh oh oh, and full lips! A must. I am wooed by full lips. I heard that the owners are more physically sensitive as well. If you know what I mean. Hourglass body, long legs, proportionate hips. As for breasts, it's the shape that matters to me. Big is not attractive. Just stereotyped into men's skulls. Nope, I'm wrong, men are naturally attracted to big busts. They can't even listen properly when they get to gaze upon one. As research has shown. 

To continue, I don't even contemplate a heavy makeup wearer. I understand it's important to look beautiful. But I am annoyed by what I see as overdoing it. I guess the same goes for picking clothes. If one is sexy, she'll look good in anything, even cargo pants and oversized t-shirt. So to me, dressing provocatively ≠ dressing in style. Oh, by the way, I have a weakness of surrendering to striped underwear :F 

Continuing. I don't understand high heels, unless it's a ball. Not that I have something against. Just don't fall behind when I walk my usual 40mph ;) Speaking of which, I am very attentive to posture and how she walks. A woman has to appear like a woman, to proclaim it, even. Some women I pass don't even give this off from their body language. Nothing about her says she's a woman but some of her looks. I want the whole posture to say 'I am a strong and successful woman'. Not meek. Nobody likes meek.

Beautiful teeth also drive me crazy. And my latest thing is cheekbones. Probably because mine aren't that prominent.So where does this take us? To most of us men, face is what's the most important in a woman's looks. And I love how much I can read out from it :)



TO BE CONTINUED...

Oh, P.S. 'russian unicorn' definition on Urban Dictionary ;)

Nauja teorija.

Kaip ir pries kiekviena deadlaina as panikuoju, kyla egzistenciniai klausimai, polinkis i kurybinguma, i mena, krenta pasitikejimas savimi, savo egzistencija netgi. Lengva apatija, melancholija, savidestruktyvi nuotaika, issireiskianti visisku prioritetu ignoravimu. Teisingai porinu? Buna tau taip? Tik daugiau valios turi? O va man reikia draugo, kuris spirtu i sikna ir sugurintu nosi i knyga. Tikriausiai taip isaukletas. Bet ne apie tai.
Nuliudes masciau, kas gi galetu buti mano pasaukimas? Nezinau... 0 motyvacijos. O kas nenoreciau, kad butu mano darbu, mano kasdiene duona? Tas, anas, trecias, ketvirtas. Bet ar tikrai cia taip vardinsiu? Juk jauciu, kad greiciau - viskas, o ne tas ir anas. Savigaila, a? Tada sugalvojau, kad juk taip pat ir kitiems, kitu gyvenimas irgi toks pats tuscias ir laukiantis. Itariu, kad niekas siame pasaulyje is tiesu neturi paskirties. Ne pasaukimo, paskirties. Tikslo. Taip, zinau, kad zinai, nepurkstauk. Demesio, svarbiausia mano izvalga: laimi tie, kurie nepriima sito, leisiu sau susireiksminti, fakto. Tie, kurie kaip kates suka nosi ir visaip rangosi, kai bandai kazka ne to joms sumaitinti. Tie, kurie sau mazne per prievarta tvirtina, kad 'Stai cia mano tikslas, nieko nenoriu zinoti'! Tiesa nebutinai yra naudinga. Atsiprasau - 'Tiesa'. :)
Nujauciu, kad sitie pamastymai silpnadvasiski.

P.S. Ir is viso - tiesa? HA! Tu zinai, ka as manau apie tiesa!

For a moment, i grew dissatisfied with my life. The oblivion that i'm drowned in. Capitalising 'i' in "I" is rotten but so is me thinking this. i am dissatisfied with my life but everyone gets that sometimes, and is lulled back to convenience. i have big plans i have never even laid a stone to start. i'm all 'talk', 'think and forget'. Yet again i would question my purpose in life, knew i that there isn't much, just what i squeeze out, what we pitifully believe in so fiercely, we convince others of it. It's the truth. there is no truth in this world, not of that kind. Claws. Easy drift in suits and cocktail parties. It is different (for everyone) and beliefs are for lessening the burden. Everything can become a burden if you put your mind to it. The worst part is that i will forget all of this. This, what i call 'short-lived awakening', and what is more to it, is deceive. It is not real, but only a dream i trick myself into out of my clasp to life. "Yes, this is 'The Reality', you scratched the surface". i can't let go of believing in life, in my own value, no one is wildly enlightened enough to come into realisation that there is nothing under that 'reality of true things' no one is vile enough to see over. i will fade in to that 'sleep of life as we know it'. It's scary. To get attached to things, people, values, believes, Truths, my own moral code and what i will defend as 'correct'. It is scary, this survival mechanism required for developed (?) intelligence of ours. Scary because it's primitive, straightforward and yet so forceful and sophisticated. i'll explain: as we are developed enough to contemplate things such as the meaning of ourselves as individuals (self-centred, aren't we?), so to say we gain the ability to be exposed to a lot more stimuli, we cannot intake all of it and build up defensive barriers to reduce continuous stressful states. As the question might come subconsciously, it is denied at that very same subconscious level to keep us in our comfort zone. Most of the time it won't allow such contemplations to be started, even if voluntarily.

It's ugly how many times i have repeated myself in here. All it is, is DENIAL. Even me - i'm back into my life. My mind just backed up instead of wondering away. Because i'm of limited intelligence. i cant even force myself to think what i want me to.

Lake

I remember vowing myself to avoid growing attached to someone. And I haven't even seen her in person! I am that weak (that demonstrates clearly that I would be unable to successfully cope with a drug addiction). Not that I was too passionate about keeping myself free from such earthly constraints - I stopped saying prayers some months ago. I gave in. It felt self-destructive (but I always had a tendency to be that way). It felt good to let go of controls and observe myself dive, water filling my ears, nose, closing my eyes and mouth, immersing me in dangerous and unstable dimness, both audial and visual. Sometimes I would emerge from this lake to breath in, at these moments I have a chance to turn back to the shore. I never do - what's that at the bottom tangled in weeds?
I will die from exhaustion. After my struggle I will have given up and made peace with my avoidable death. I will watch the surface of the water drift away from me. I will lay in the bed of weeds and watch the last bubbles of air float up. My eyes will turn to my skull. I am there.

Bobiški skystakiaušio vėmalai

Uzknisa, kai raso visi, isskyrus zmogu, kurio laisku laukiu. Tiesiogine prasme ‘laukiu’. Stumiu dienas iki gausiu laiska. Kuo ilgiau reikia laukti, tuo didesne svente man tai tampa. Kai gausiu tikriausiai atsidarysiu buteli sampano ar kazko panasaus. Gal net taupysiu neskaitydamas, dziaugsiuosi kaip vaikas dziaugiasi lauktuvemis, kaip kolekcionionierius dziaugiasi netureta komikso dalimi, kaip ziurkenas dziaugiasi saulegrazomis, kaip as dziaugiuosi laiskais nuo tam tikru zmoniu. Jau septyniskart apsigavau, nes man parase ne tas, kurio laukiau. Visa laika viliuosi tiek pat – truputi. Todel ir kartelio ragauju tik truputi. Cia toks zaidimas, saldziai karti saves kankyne.
Kiek pazistu save, as vengiu tokiu dalyku. Vengiu buti prie ko nors prisirises. Gniauziu savo jausmus, grumiuosi su jais idant tureciau laisve. Idant mano sirdis miegotu. Ar reikia aiskinti kodel? Todel, kad tokie jausmai yra bereikalingi, jie trukdo gyventi. Pasinerti? Pasinerti nera i ka. Be to, tai silpnu  zmoniu pomegis. Isgyventi tas savo dramas, draskytis, jausti skausma, meile, liudesi, ilgesi. Pomegis. Prieskonis. Trukdis. Meile yra klasifikuojama kaip liga F63.9. Kraujyje 30-40% sumazeja proteino, zmogus sulista, o svarbiausia, nebegeba daryti racionaliu sprendimu. Fiziologiskai, neimanoma susikaupti. O darbai turi buti atlikti. Netvarka. Ar labai besirdiska butu sukurti pleistrus nuo meiles? Nelabai – yra zmoniu, kuriems to reikia.
Dar vienas dalykas: moteru, o tikriausiai ir vyru seksualinio pasitenkinimo stiprumas priklauso nuo smegenu islavinimo, tai yra, kuo moteris protingesne, tuo stipresni malonuma jaucia. Zinoma, tai ne mano teiginys, o pop mokslas, saltinis, kuriame radau si teigini taip pat buvo pop pakraipos. Tesiant, jei ir vyrams yra taip pat, vadinasi smegenys yra raktas. Remdamasis tuo as sukuriau hipoteze, kad taip pat yra ir su jausmais. Kuo paprastesnis zmogus, tuo primityvesni jausmai ir vice versa. Uzvedziau sia tema laikydamas, kad as protingas. Neesu protingas. Neprotinga laikyti save protingu. Taip, reikia myeti save, bet, labiau nei buti savimi patenkintu tinginiu, verta myleti save priimant savo trukumus, bet nenustojant tobuleti. Kaip pasake garsiausia modernaus sokio choreografe ir sokeja Marta Graham, kurejas niekada nera patenkintas savo darbu.
Kur mano sypsena ir paprastumas? Klaiku, kaip as sitame tekste susireiksminu ir tariuosi zinas visus atsakymus. Pradedu pasiduoti. Neismokysiu to, kas nenori buti ismokytas. O as pats teturiu savo tiesa. Nors jau senokai suvokiau si fakta – kad kiekvienas turi savo tiesa ir kad kiekvienas yra teisus – nesiliauju lygines svieta. Ar reikia? Bet juk mano tiesa yra teisesne… :)

Na, tenka apibendrinti, kad as esu nuostabus individas, dovana pasauliui ir zemes valdovas :D Tegu tik ismoksiu pritaikyti atsakymus, kuriuos turiu.  O tu, studente, mokykis meiles sau. O as mokysiuosi ko reikia ismokti man.




RE: 

Tu tik paklausyk saves, asile. Uzsiimk kuo nors, o ne nuodyk zmonija savo vapejimais. Tu esi vyro antonimas. Skuduras. Pradejau tiketi Dievu, nes pagal eveliucijos teorija tu turetum buti negyvas.


EDIT:
Moterys ir vyrai, vis del to, visiskai skirtingi sutverimai. Tokie skirtingi, kad belieka susitaikyti ir priimti, o ne bandyti suprasti.

Pagaliau suvokęs, kad du kartus buvau beperžengiąs mirties slenkstį ir du kartus partrenktas automobilio, aš esu labai labai labai laimingas vien egzistuodamas. Tuo labiau būdamas kas esu, koks esu, kur esu ir su kuo esu. Manau, nėra nieko geresnio. Nėra nieko geresnio. Negali būti nieko geresnio.


O pirmą kartą į šį pasauli sugrąžino mama.